<!--
function r()
{};
var r = new r();
var n = 0;
r[n++]="100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?"
r[n++]="42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."
r[n++]="99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
r[n++]="A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
r[n++]="A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
r[n++]="A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
r[n++]="A closed mouth gathers no foot."
r[n++]="A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
r[n++]="A day without sunshine is like, night."
r[n++]="A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."
r[n++]="A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."
r[n++]="All generalizations are false, including this one."
r[n++]="All men are idiots, and I married their King."
r[n++]="Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
r[n++]="Always try to be modest and be proud of it!"
r[n++]="Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of."
r[n++]="Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity."
r[n++]="Assassins do it from behind."
r[n++]="Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
r[n++]="Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy."
r[n++]="Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
r[n++]="Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
r[n++]="Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore."
r[n++]="Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
r[n++]="Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot."
r[n++]="Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks"
r[n++]="Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back."
r[n++]="Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!"
r[n++]="C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit."
r[n++]="Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
r[n++]="Chocolate: the OTHER major food group."
r[n++]="Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
r[n++]="Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!"
r[n++]="Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?"
r[n++]="Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy."
r[n++]="Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?"
r[n++]="Did anyone see my lost carrier?"
r[n++]="Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick."
r[n++]="Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
r[n++]="Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
r[n++]="Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink."
r[n++]="Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."
r[n++]="Double your drive space. Delete Windows!"
r[n++]="Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."
r[n++]="Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
r[n++]="Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery."
r[n++]="Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue."
r[n++]="Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I."
r[n++]="Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
r[n++]="Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
r[n++]="Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
r[n++]="Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
r[n++]="Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
r[n++]="For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism."
r[n++]="For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."
r[n++]="Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal."
r[n++]="Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
r[n++]="Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate."
r[n++]="Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving."
r[n++]="Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told."
r[n++]="Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!"
r[n++]="Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
r[n++]="Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
r[n++]="Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."
r[n++]="Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now."
r[n++]="He who laughs last thinks slowest."
r[n++]="Honk if you love peace and quiet."
r[n++]="Honk if you want to see my finger."
r[n++]="How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
r[n++]="How does Teflon stick to the pan?"
r[n++]="How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand."
r[n++]="I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
r[n++]="I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
r[n++]="I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."
r[n++]="I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
r[n++]="I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
r[n++]="I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."
r[n++]="I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
r[n++]="I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"
r[n++]="I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
r[n++]="I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
r[n++]="I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."
r[n++]="I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
r[n++]="I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke."
r[n++]="I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
r[n++]="I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it."
r[n++]="I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac."
r[n++]="I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
r[n++]="I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!"
r[n++]="I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
r[n++]="If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
r[n++]="If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic."
r[n++]="If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"
r[n++]="If you can't convince them, confuse them."
r[n++]="If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"
r[n++]="If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you."
r[n++]="If you haven't much education you must use your brain."
r[n++]="If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it."
r[n++]="If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
r[n++]="If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
r[n++]="IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
r[n++]="It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
r[n++]="It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."
r[n++]="It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
r[n++]="It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
r[n++]="It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
r[n++]="Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician."
r[n++]="Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole."
r[n++]="Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
r[n++]="Keep honking. I'm reloading."
r[n++]="Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor."
r[n++]="Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control."
r[n++]="Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
r[n++]="Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
r[n++]="Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
r[n++]="Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
r[n++]="Montana: At least our cows are sane!"
r[n++]="More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
r[n++]="Multitasking means screwing up several things at once."
r[n++]="My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom."
r[n++]="My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states."
r[n++]="Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut."
r[n++]="Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."
r[n++]="Never mess up an apology with an excuse."
r[n++]="Never miss a good chance to shut up."
r[n++]="Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
r[n++]="Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
r[n++]="No one is listening until you make a mistake."
r[n++]="Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!"
r[n++]="Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?"
r[n++]="On the other hand, you have different fingers."
r[n++]="Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector."
r[n++]="Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
r[n++]="Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand."
r[n++]="Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow."
r[n++]="Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
r[n++]="Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
r[n++]="Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of."
r[n++]="Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader."
r[n++]="Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
r[n++]="Remember half the people you know are below average."
r[n++]="Save the whales. Collect the whole set"
r[n++]="Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!"
r[n++]="Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."
r[n++]="Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
r[n++]="Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
r[n++]="Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface."
r[n++]="Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield."
r[n++]="Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle."
r[n++]="Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."
r[n++]="Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"
r[n++]="Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have."
r[n++]="The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing."
r[n++]="The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it."
r[n++]="The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
r[n++]="The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread."
r[n++]="The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire."
r[n++]="The more you complain, the longer God makes you live."
r[n++]="The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."
r[n++]="The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
r[n++]="The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."
r[n++]="The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER"
r[n++]="The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it."
r[n++]="The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
r[n++]="The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
r[n++]="The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up."
r[n++]="The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel."
r[n++]="There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
r[n++]="There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
r[n++]="There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
r[n++]="Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
r[n++]="Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students."
r[n++]="Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
r[n++]="Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
r[n++]="To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
r[n++]="To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."
r[n++]="Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes."
r[n++]="Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship."
r[n++]="Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
r[n++]="We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"
r[n++]="We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse."
r[n++]="Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"
r[n++]="What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?"
r[n++]="What's the speed of dark?"
r[n++]="When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way."
r[n++]="When there's a will, I want to be in it."
r[n++]="When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly."
r[n++]="Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"
r[n++]="Who stopped payment on my reality check?"
r[n++]="Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
r[n++]="Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
r[n++]="Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?"
r[n++]="Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
r[n++]="You are depriving some poor village of its idiot."
r[n++]="You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word."
r[n++]="You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you."
r[n++]="You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!"
r[n++]="Your gene pool could use a little chlorine."
r[n++]="Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot."
r[n++]="Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open."
r[n++]="I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
r[n++]="I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me."
r[n++]="Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it."
r[n++]="Take everything in moderation. Including moderation."
r[n++]="There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know."
r[n++]="Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps."
r[n++]="Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?"
r[n++]="Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, try left field."
r[n++]="When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, 'I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!' (thanks to Adam Cochran)"
r[n++]="Sacred cows make the best hamburgers."
r[n++]="I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me."
r[n++]="If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2?"
r[n++]="I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired."
r[n++]="I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York."
r[n++]="I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon."
r[n++]="Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees."
r[n++]="It's not who you know, it's whom you know."
r[n++]="There is no 'I' in 'Team', but there are four in 'Platitude-Quoting Idiot'."
r[n++]="One goldfish says to the other, 'If there's no God, who changes our water every week?' (thanks to Warren)"
r[n++]="A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer."
r[n++]="A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
r[n++]="Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right."
r[n++]="Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work."
r[n++]="Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?"
r[n++]="Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence."
r[n++]="George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year."
r[n++]="I had amnesia once - maybe twice."
r[n++]="Originality is the art of concealing your sources."
r[n++]="Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic."
r[n++]="All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy."
r[n++]="Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure."
r[n++]="How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on."
r[n++]="Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway."
r[n++]="Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long."
r[n++]="Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?"
r[n++]="Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun."
r[n++]="That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy."
r[n++]="Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants."
r[n++]="Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live."
r[n++]="Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in."
r[n++]="If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."
r[n++]="In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."
r[n++]="If you really love someone, throw the ball and say 'Fetch!' (thanks to Karthik Narayan)"
r[n++]="If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around."
r[n++]="I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?'"
r[n++]="Contents may have settled out of court."
r[n++]="You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
r[n++]="Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked."
r[n++]="I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats."
r[n++]="I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest."
r[n++]="If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?"
r[n++]="I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer."
r[n++]="I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter."
r[n++]="They call it PMS because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
r[n++]="The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem."
r[n++]="A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party."
r[n++]="When blondes have more fun, do they know it?"
r[n++]="Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch."
r[n++]="He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine."
r[n++]="Well, paint me purple and call me Barney."
r[n++]="I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer."
r[n++]="Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no."
r[n++]="The statement following is true. The statement prior is false."
r[n++]="I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes."
r[n++]="I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip."
r[n++]="He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival."
r[n++]="I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake."
r[n++]="I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over."
r[n++]="He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day."
r[n++]="Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you."
r[n++]="If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody."
r[n++]="If you can't convince them, confuse them."
r[n++]="All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though."
r[n++]="If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down."
r[n++]="Here I am! What are your other two wishes?"
r[n++]="A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
r[n++]="Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career."
r[n++]="Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks."
r[n++]="Gun Control: Use both hands."
r[n++]="Remember: First you pillage then you burn."
r[n++]="To err is human. To forgive is against company policy."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
r[n++]="Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs."
r[n++]="Half the people in the world are below average."
r[n++]="Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software."
r[n++]="Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh"
r[n++]="You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket."
r[n++]="Save the whales: collect the whole set ."
r[n++]="I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory."
r[n++]="I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
r[n++]="You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
r[n++]="Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?"
r[n++]="Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
r[n++]="The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills."
r[n++]="Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
r[n++]="The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
r[n++]="I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
r[n++]="Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician."
r[n++]="I intend to live forever - so far so good."
r[n++]="Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead."
r[n++]="My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states."
r[n++]="Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of."
r[n++]="The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."
r[n++]="Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have."
r[n++]="When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
r[n++]="A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
r[n++]="Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
r[n++]="For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism."
r[n++]="Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."
r[n++]="No one is listening until you make a mistake."
r[n++]="The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it."
r[n++]="The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread."
r[n++]="The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it."
r[n++]="To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
r[n++]="To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."
r[n++]="Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
r[n++]="You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
r[n++]="Two wrongs are only the beginning."
r[n++]="The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
r[n++]="The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up."
r[n++]="A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
r[n++]="Can a blind person feel blue?"
r[n++]="Change is inevitable except from vending machines."
r[n++]="Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow."
r[n++]="Always try to be modest and be proud of it!"
r[n++]="If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments."
r[n++]="Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
r[n++]="If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?"
r[n++]="Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him."
r[n++]="When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"
r[n++]="When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?"
r[n++]="'I am.' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I Do' is the longest sentence?"
r[n++]="Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is."
r[n++]="If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?"
r[n++]="Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
r[n++]="If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?"
r[n++]="I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."
r[n++]="Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?"
r[n++]="A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."
r[n++]="If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?"
r[n++]="If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms."
r[n++]="If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"
r[n++]="We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
r[n++]="If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?"
r[n++]="Is there another word for synonym?"
r[n++]="Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"
r[n++]="Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?"
r[n++]="What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"
r[n++]="If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?"
r[n++]="Would a wingless fly be called a walk?"
r[n++]="Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?"
r[n++]="Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
r[n++]="Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?"
r[n++]="What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?"
r[n++]="Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as '4s'?"
r[n++]="I have not yet begun to procrastinate."
r[n++]="If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?"
r[n++]="If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"
r[n++]="Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on."
r[n++]="The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list."
r[n++]="Schizophrenia beats being alone."
r[n++]="Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?"
r[n++]="I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
r[n++]="You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today."
r[n++]="A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well."
r[n++]="Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh."
r[n++]="Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case."
r[n++]="If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?"
r[n++]="Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once."
r[n++]="Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?"
r[n++]="All true wisdom is found on T-shirts."
r[n++]="Strip mining prevents forest fires."
r[n++]="I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem."
r[n++]="I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
r[n++]="A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
r[n++]="The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it."
r[n++]="If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already."
r[n++]="Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long."
r[n++]="Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig."
r[n++]="Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat."
r[n++]="Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career."
r[n++]="How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
r[n++]="Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough."
r[n++]="Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass."
r[n++]="It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
r[n++]="Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years."
r[n++]="Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you."
r[n++]="Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home."
r[n++]="A closed mouth gathers no foot."
r[n++]="The trouble with life is there's no background music."
r[n++]="I was only looking at your nametag, honest!"
r[n++]="When blondes have more fun do they know it?"
r[n++]="Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch."
r[n++]="Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible."
r[n++]="Jesus is coming, so look busy."
r[n++]="We have enough youth: how about a fountain of 'smart'?"
r[n++]="Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane."
r[n++]="Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do."
r[n++]="My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!"
r[n++]="Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?"
r[n++]="Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
r[n++]="Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?"
r[n++]="I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize."
r[n++]="Everybody repeat after me: 'We are all individuals.'"
r[n++]="Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior."
r[n++]="Chastity is curable, if detected early."
r[n++]="Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long."
r[n++]="Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned."
r[n++]="Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why."
r[n++]="Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks."
r[n++]="Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now."
r[n++]="When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails."
r[n++]="I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it."
r[n++]="Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines."
r[n++]="Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back."
r[n++]="99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
r[n++]="42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."
r[n++]="A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
r[n++]="Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon."
r[n++]="If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?"
r[n++]="I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
r[n++]="How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
r[n++]="Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
r[n++]="A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
r[n++]="Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film."
r[n++]="There's no future in time travel."
r[n++]="If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?"
r[n++]="Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives."
r[n++]="Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!"
r[n++]="Polynesia - memory loss in parrots."
r[n++]="A good pun is its own reword."
r[n++]="Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?"
r[n++]="Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!"
r[n++]="For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain."
r[n++]="A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
r[n++]="The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."
r[n++]="I love cats; they taste just like chicken."
r[n++]="Lord save me from your followers."
r[n++]="Guns don't kill people, postal workers do."
r[n++]="I said 'no' to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen."
r[n++]="Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
r[n++]="Some people have a way with words, others not have way."
r[n++]="Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?"
r[n++]="Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
r[n++]="Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"
r[n++]="Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
r[n++]="I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac."
r[n++]="The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
r[n++]="All generalizations are false, including this one."
r[n++]="I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
r[n++]="I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!"
r[n++]="If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert."
r[n++]="Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping."
r[n++]="I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination."
r[n++]="There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
r[n++]="Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."
r[n++]="If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"
r[n++]="Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply."
r[n++]="Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either."
r[n++]="Department of Redundancy Department"
r[n++]="Karaoke is Japanese for 'tone deaf'."
r[n++]="3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population."
r[n++]="A day for firm decisions! Or is it?"
r[n++]="A day without radiation is a day without sunshine."
r[n++]="A day without sunshine is like night."
r[n++]="A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago."
r[n++]="Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day."
r[n++]="An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys."
r[n++]="An unemployed court jester is no one's fool."
r[n++]="Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough."
r[n++]="As I said before, I never repeat myself."
r[n++]="As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia."
r[n++]="Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing"
r[n++]="Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people."
r[n++]="Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise."
r[n++]="Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular."
r[n++]="Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events."
r[n++]="Clones are people two."
r[n++]="Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage."
r[n++]="Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools."
r[n++]="Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!"
r[n++]="Do not put statements in the negative form."
r[n++]="Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?"
r[n++]="Don't be a sexist, broads hate that."
r[n++]="If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
r[n++]="Friction can be a drag sometimes."
r[n++]="Geez if you believe in honkus."
r[n++]="He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling."
r[n++]="Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!"
r[n++]="Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!"
r[n++]="Honk if you love peace and quiet."
r[n++]="How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!"
r[n++]="When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape."
r[n++]="I couldn't care less about apathy."
r[n++]="I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!"
r[n++]="Drilling for oil is boring."
r[n++]="Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery."
r[n++]="I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one."
r[n++]="I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
r[n++]="I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure."
r[n++]="I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now."
r[n++]="When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W."
r[n++]="I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!"
r[n++]="I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?"
r[n++]="What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull."
r[n++]="If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."
r[n++]="A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff."
r[n++]="We are all prawns in the game of life."
r[n++]="Taste makes waist"
r[n++]="Have an adequate day"
r[n++]="Body by Ben & Jerry"
r[n++]="Boldly going nowhere"
r[n++]="Clones are people two"
r[n++]="Axe me about Ebonics"
r[n++]="Do unto others, then run"
r[n++]="Celibacy is not hereditary"
r[n++]="Familiarity breeds children"
r[n++]="Life is sexually transmitted"
r[n++]="We do precision guesswork"
r[n++]="If it's too loud, you're too old"
r[n++]="Common sense isn't common"
r[n++]="Nothing succeeds like excess"
r[n++]="Do pilots take crash-courses?"
r[n++]="If it ain't broke, fix it until it is"
r[n++]="The older I get, the older old is"
r[n++]="Relax, its only Ones and Zeros"
r[n++]="A closed mouth gathers no feet"
r[n++]="Do witches run spell checkers?"
r[n++]="I don�t get even . . . . . I get odder"
r[n++]="Allow me to introduce my selves"
r[n++]="A feature is a bug with seniority"
r[n++]="If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
r[n++]="Justice: A decision in your favor"
r[n++]="Strip mining prevents forest fires"
r[n++]="A waist is a terrible thing to mind"
r[n++]="Do not disturb. Already disturbed"
r[n++]="Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
r[n++]="Today's subliminal message is . . ."
r[n++]="Demons are a Ghouls best Friend"
r[n++]="A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
r[n++]="Everyone is entitled to my opinion"
r[n++]="If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert"
r[n++]="I don't work here. I'm a consultant"
r[n++]="Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes"
r[n++]="The best things in life aren't things"
r[n++]="I like feminists; I think they're cute"
r[n++]="I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
r[n++]="Does killing time damage eternity?"
r[n++]="How can there be self-help groups?"
r[n++]="'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy"
r[n++]="BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy"
r[n++]="If the enemy is in range, so are you"
r[n++]="Have a nice day. . . somewhere else"
r[n++]="Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving"
r[n++]="Exceptions always outnumber rules"
r[n++]="Adults are just kids who owe money"
r[n++]="All stressed out and no one to choke"
r[n++]="Constipated people don't give a crap"
r[n++]="Reality is the leading cause of stress"
r[n++]="I may not be perfect, but I�m all I got"
r[n++]="Where there's a will, I want to be in it"
r[n++]="Anything not nailed down is a cat toy"
r[n++]="Never miss a good chance to shut up"
r[n++]="All computers wait at the same speed"
r[n++]="Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"
r[n++]="Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me"
r[n++]="How do you get off a non-stop flight?"
r[n++]="How come night falls but day breaks?"
r[n++]="How do I set the laser printer to stun?"
r[n++]="If we quit voting will they all go away?"
r[n++]="Is it time for your medication or mine?"
r[n++]="Bugs come in through open Windows"
r[n++]="INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)"
r[n++]="I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter"
r[n++]="When all else fails manipulate the data"
r[n++]="I�m as confused as a termite in a yo-yo"
r[n++]="Insanity is my only means of relaxation"
r[n++]="No guts, no glory, no brain, same story"
r[n++]="Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw"
r[n++]="I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert"
r[n++]="I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier"
r[n++]="When money talks, the criminal walks"
r[n++]="I can see clearly now, the brain is gone"
r[n++]="I intend to live forever - so far, so good"
r[n++]="Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it"
r[n++]="A fool and his money are soon partying"
r[n++]="One good turn gets most of the blanket"
r[n++]="I�m having an out of money experience"
r[n++]="Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity"
r[n++]="The information went data way ---------- >"
r[n++]="Work is the curse of the drinking classes"
r[n++]="Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener"
r[n++]="If you can't convince them, confuse them"
r[n++]="How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
r[n++]="100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?"
r[n++]="How about never? Is never good for you?"
r[n++]="Am I ambivalent? . . . . Well, yes and no"
r[n++]="Not all men are annoying. Some are dead"
r[n++]="Every morning is the dawn of a new error"
r[n++]="Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever"
r[n++]="Sarcasm is just one more service we offer"
r[n++]="Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand"
r[n++]="And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?"
r[n++]="RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure"
r[n++]="Age is a very high price to pay for maturity"
r[n++]="I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter"
r[n++]="Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking"
r[n++]="Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen"
r[n++]="If cows could fly, you'd appreciate seagulls"
r[n++]="All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson"
r[n++]="One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor"
r[n++]="Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it"
r[n++]="If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer"
r[n++]="All extremists should be taken out and shot"
r[n++]="I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant"
r[n++]="He's the first in his family born without a tail"
r[n++]="Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after"
r[n++]="Stop repeat offenders. Quit re-electing them"
r[n++]="Does your train of thought have a caboose?"
r[n++]="To avoid computer virus� practice safe HEX"
r[n++]="Never lay glazed donuts on your mouse pad"
r[n++]="All reports are in: Life is now officially unfair"
r[n++]="Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent"
r[n++]="Program Halted --- Hit any user to continue"
r[n++]="How do you get cat hair out of a hard drive?"
r[n++]="Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?"
r[n++]="Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?"
r[n++]="Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?"
r[n++]="That�s a nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?"
r[n++]="Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion"
r[n++]="It�s better to be looked over than overlooked"
r[n++]="STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS"
r[n++]="If God is your co-pilot, switch seats with Him"
r[n++]="He who has no opinion will seldom be wrong"
r[n++]="A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door"
r[n++]="Get the facts first - you can distort them later"
r[n++]="Meetings -- The practical alternative to work"
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"
r[n++]="I miss my wife's cooking. . . . as often as I can"
r[n++]="Now that I've given up hope I feel much better"
r[n++]="Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show"
r[n++]="New AOL Logo: The internet is full, go away!"
r[n++]="I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol"
r[n++]="Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
r[n++]="All work and no play, will make you a manager"
r[n++]="Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded"
r[n++]="Half the people in the world are below average"
r[n++]="�I tried to think but nothing happened!' - Curly"
r[n++]="Whitewater isn�t over until the First Lady sings"
r[n++]="You're never too old to learn something stupid"
r[n++]="Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage"
r[n++]="No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong"
r[n++]="Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn"
r[n++]="Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?"
r[n++]="I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few"
r[n++]="Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids"
r[n++]="Proofread carefully to see if you any words out"
r[n++]="Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand"
r[n++]="The definition of Virtue: Insufficient Temptation"
r[n++]="I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit"
r[n++]="If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people"
r[n++]="Budget: A method for going broke methodically"
r[n++]="How do they get the deer to cross at the signs?"
r[n++]="When did my wild oats turn to shredded wheat?"
r[n++]="Start your own movement. . . . .eat some prunes"
r[n++]="Sometimes a lot goes on but not much happens"
r[n++]="Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it"
r[n++]="Friendship is like money, easier made than kept"
r[n++]="When your work speaks for itself don't interrupt"
r[n++]="You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it"
r[n++]="It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser"
r[n++]="The buck doesn't even slow down here anymore"
r[n++]="Breaking Windows - it isn't just for kids anymore"
r[n++]="Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either"
r[n++]="Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once"
r[n++]="A single fact can ruin a good argument everytime"
r[n++]="Despite the cost of living it remains fairly popular"
r[n++]="In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equally"
r[n++]="May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful"
r[n++]="All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets"
r[n++]="I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode"
r[n++]="99 percent of lawyers give all the rest a bad name"
r[n++]="You'll never win an argument concerning religion"
r[n++]="The older you get, the better you realize you were"
r[n++]="There�s too many freaks and not enough circuses"
r[n++]="Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool"
r[n++]="Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional"
r[n++]="I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory"
r[n++]="It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere"
r[n++]="He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals"
r[n++]="Few women admit their age . . . Few men act theirs"
r[n++]="Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper"
r[n++]="I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left"
r[n++]="Do subliminal(send)messages (me)really(money) work?"
r[n++]="Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong"
r[n++]="Understanding women is like nailing Jello to a tree"
r[n++]="No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck"
r[n++]="It�s a lot easier to apologize than to ask permission"
r[n++]="Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition"
r[n++]="I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it"
r[n++]="Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse"
r[n++]="I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message"
r[n++]="Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough"
r[n++]="Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain"
r[n++]="Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck"
r[n++]="Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here today is done"
r[n++]="Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?"
r[n++]="Where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?"
r[n++]="If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?"
r[n++]="If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?"
r[n++]="Sex? What do I know about sex? I'm a married man"
r[n++]="I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission"
r[n++]="The more you complain, the longer God lets you live"
r[n++]="Two CAN live as cheaply as one . . . . for half as long"
r[n++]="You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers"
r[n++]="Pi R squared? No! Pie R round! Cornbread R square"
r[n++]="Any car will last a lifetime - if you're careless enough"
r[n++]="Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned"
r[n++]="Nobody ever forgets WHERE they buried the hatchet"
r[n++]="Keep talking . . . . . I always yawn when I'm interested"
r[n++]="I never repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time"
r[n++]="Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction"
r[n++]="Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"
r[n++]="Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control"
r[n++]="The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes"
r[n++]="Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"
r[n++]="Everything is in walking distance if you have the time"
r[n++]="Expansion Slots -- The extra holes in your belt buckle"
r[n++]="What's your point? I mean beside the tip of your head"
r[n++]="I'll never forget when I met my wife -- but I keep trying"
r[n++]="Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician"
r[n++]="How does the door close after the bus driver gets off?"
r[n++]="Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?"
r[n++]="Why is that a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?"
r[n++]="Am I getting smart with you?. . How would you know?"
r[n++]="All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand"
r[n++]="Don't ask me any questions I'm making this up as I go"
r[n++]="The only evidence against evolution are its opponents"
r[n++]="People like you are the reason we have middle fingers"
r[n++]="If voting could really change things, it would be illegal"
r[n++]="You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive"
r[n++]="The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected"
r[n++]="It took drugs to teach American kids the metric system"
r[n++]="Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men"
r[n++]="Average is just as close to the bottom as it is to the top"
r[n++]="At the end of the money I always have some month left"
r[n++]="A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"
r[n++]="Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive"
r[n++]="If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?"
r[n++]="Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature"
r[n++]="The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut"
r[n++]="Anything you say will be misquoted & used against you"
r[n++]="I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people"
r[n++]="This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me"
r[n++]="Of course I don't look busy. . . . I did it right the first time"
r[n++]="Fate made us co-workers . . . . . Prozac makes us friends"
r[n++]="Forgive your enemies . . . . . but never forget their names"
r[n++]="I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem"
r[n++]="Time's fun when you're having flies. -- Kermit the Frog"
r[n++]="AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse"
r[n++]="For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism"
r[n++]="Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary"
r[n++]="You're only young once but you can be immature forever"
r[n++]="Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant"
r[n++]="Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast"
r[n++]="Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage"
r[n++]="Even Popeye didn't eat spinach until he absolutely had to"
r[n++]="If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"
r[n++]="Whose idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?"
r[n++]="Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?"
r[n++]="Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I"
r[n++]="The statement below is true. The statement above is false"
r[n++]="I'm just another road kill on the Information Superhighway"
r[n++]="Don't you just hate it, when there's not enough room to fin"
r[n++]="There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full"
r[n++]="No one ever says, 'It's only a game', when they're winning"
r[n++]="Failure is not an option. . . . It's bundled with your software"
r[n++]="Only in plumbing is a straight flush better than a full house"
r[n++]="I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out"
r[n++]="My wife and I were happy for over 20 years -- then we met"
r[n++]="I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart"
r[n++]="If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws"
r[n++]="Lead me not into temptation. I can usually find it by myself"
r[n++]="My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely"
r[n++]="If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help"
r[n++]="When all is said and done, more is usually said than is done"
r[n++]="Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others"
r[n++]="If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
r[n++]="Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"
r[n++]="I'll be glad to help you out . . . . Which way did you come in?"
r[n++]="How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?"
r[n++]="Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever"
r[n++]="You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think"
r[n++]="I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere"
r[n++]="Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions"
r[n++]="I have plenty of talent and vision . . . . I just don't give a hoot"
r[n++]="Women typically like the simple things in life . . . . . . like men"
r[n++]="Right of way is considered a function of mass times velocity"
r[n++]="Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils"
r[n++]="The fastest way to find something you've lost is to replace it"
r[n++]="In politics stupidity is not a handicap -- Napoleon Bonaparte"
r[n++]="If you read in the bathroom, is that considered multi-tasking?"
r[n++]="Some mornings I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep"
r[n++]="Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else"
r[n++]="Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind"
r[n++]="Mental backup in progress! Do Not Disturb! I Am NOT Asleep!"
r[n++]="Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Jerry Springer"
r[n++]="Jesus Loves You . . . . . . The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot"
r[n++]="If your feet smell and your nose runs you're built upside down"
r[n++]="If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me"
r[n++]="I've got two wonderful children - and two out of four isn't bad"
r[n++]="Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground"
r[n++]="I fight evil wherever it may be . . . . except in dark, scary places"
r[n++]="I have kleptomania . . . when it gets bad, I take something for it"
r[n++]="All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
r[n++]="I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met"
r[n++]="I eat bran cereal every morning � I guess I'm just a regular guy"
r[n++]="Whatever kind of look you were going for today, you missed it"
r[n++]="Three words guaranteed to humiliate men --- 'Hold my purse'"
r[n++]="Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?"
r[n++]="Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?"
r[n++]="The worst thing about government censorship is . . . . .[deleted]"
r[n++]="Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone"
r[n++]="Now that I've learned to make the most of life, most of it�s gone"
r[n++]="The golden years . . . . . . When actions creak louder than words"
r[n++]="One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others"
r[n++]="Forget the health food . . . I need all the preservatives I can get"
r[n++]="A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck"
r[n++]="Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle"
r[n++]="Sex is like air, the less you have the more important it becomes"
r[n++]="It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere"
r[n++]="You're starting to sound reasonable...Time to up my medication"
r[n++]="Never use a prodigious word when a diminutive one will suffice"
r[n++]="Everyone has a right to be heard. Some just abuse the privilege"
r[n++]="What do football players get on math tests? . . . . . . . . . . . . drool"
r[n++]="Some people are alive today only because it�s illegal to kill them"
r[n++]="I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem"
r[n++]="Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"
r[n++]="Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself"
r[n++]="It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack - Yogi Berra"
r[n++]="He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit"
r[n++]="I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose"
r[n++]="Do people in Australia refer to the rest of the world as 'up over'?"
r[n++]="Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?"
r[n++]="How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?"
r[n++]="Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than it does to get tired"
r[n++]="I usually feel better after a few winks, especially if she winks back"
r[n++]="THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down"
r[n++]="I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables"
r[n++]="Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy"
r[n++]="If we are what we eat then I'm cheap, fast, and bad for your health"
r[n++]="Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane"
r[n++]="One nice thing about egotists -- they don't talk about other people"
r[n++]="Early to rise and early to bed Makes one healthy but socially dead"
r[n++]="If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?"
r[n++]="Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong"
r[n++]="The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat"
r[n++]="Fairy Tale -- A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers"
r[n++]="Two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen & stupidity"
r[n++]="If I had known I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself"
r[n++]="Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?"
r[n++]="Why don�t women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?"
r[n++]="Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
r[n++]="Owners of digital watches -- BEWARE - Your day's are numbered"
r[n++]="Experience is what you get when you are expecting something else"
r[n++]="Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back"
r[n++]="Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy"
r[n++]="Confession may be good for the soul, but it�s bad for the reputation"
r[n++]="I can do anything, given the satisfaction that it's annoying someone"
r[n++]="A pessimist will complain about the noise when opportunity knocks"
r[n++]="I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce"
r[n++]="You know you're getting old when 'happy hour' is an afternoon nap"
r[n++]="I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost"
r[n++]="You remind me a lot of myself . . . . . . . when I was young and stupid"
r[n++]="All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner"
r[n++]="I'm really easy to get along with once everyone learns to worship me"
r[n++]="Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects. --- Worf"
r[n++]="Work harder . . . . . all those people on welfare are depending on you!"
r[n++]="The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
r[n++]="Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental"
r[n++]="My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said"
r[n++]="There are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of it"
r[n++]="When everything's coming your way, you're usually in the wrong lane"
r[n++]="For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program"
r[n++]="These days people take comedians seriously and politicians as a joke"
r[n++]="If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?"
r[n++]="What if the Hubble telescope is right and the universe really is fuzzy ?"
r[n++]="I'm a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in"
r[n++]="A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be"
r[n++]="I was at a fight last night when an episode of Jerry Springer broke out"
r[n++]="Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don�t vote"
r[n++]="I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part"
r[n++]="I bought a camouflage shirt and hung it in my closet. Now I can't find it"
r[n++]="He's a really down to earth person. . . . . but not quite far down enough"
r[n++]="Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up"
r[n++]="I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific"
r[n++]="The reason that women like silent men is that they think we�re listening"
r[n++]="Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you"
r[n++]="Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation"
r[n++]="Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with"
r[n++]="The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue"
r[n++]="Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same"
r[n++]="It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end"
r[n++]="The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits"
r[n++]="Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in"
r[n++]="A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it"
r[n++]="I've been working for this company ever since they threatened to fire me"
r[n++]="Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due"
r[n++]="Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players"
r[n++]="They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian but they aren't laughing now"
r[n++]="The last time I had this much fun, they said I wasn't going to pull through"
r[n++]="What�s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted"
r[n++]="College is a fountain of Knowledge . . . and the students are there to drink"
r[n++]="Why is that you can always read a doctor's bill but never his prescription?"
r[n++]="Daylight savings time --- why are they saving it and where do they keep it?"
r[n++]="Women's minds are cleaner than men's because they change it more often"
r[n++]="I once took a college course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom"
r[n++]="I�ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx"
r[n++]="I told my boss that I was a great asset . . . . . he said I was off by two letters"
r[n++]="Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results"
r[n++]="Anyone who can remain calm during a crisis, just doesn't have all the facts"
r[n++]="Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night"
r[n++]="There's two theories as to arguing with a woman . . . . . . . neither one works"
r[n++]="Always and Never are two words you should always remember never to use"
r[n++]="Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids"
r[n++]="Why do the signs that say 'Slow Children' have a picture of a running child?"
r[n++]="The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom"
r[n++]="A perfectionist is one who takes great pains and gives them to everyone else"
r[n++]="Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes"
r[n++]="That money talks, I'll not deny. When mine speaks to me, it says 'Good-bye.'"
r[n++]="If it's true that 'What you don't know can't hurt you,' then I must be invincible"
r[n++]="Any solution proposed by a politician will cause more problems than it solves"
r[n++]="It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others"
r[n++]="Married people don�t really live longer than single people, it just seems longer"
r[n++]="I went to school to become a wit . . . . unfortunately I only got halfway through"
r[n++]="You say a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long lonely journey"
r[n++]="Whenever someone is doing something 'for your own good', you won't like it"
r[n++]="You can fool some of the people some of the time and that�s usually sufficient"
r[n++]="Suburbia: a place where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them"
r[n++]="People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot"
r[n++]="Computers are like air-conditioners -- neither one works if you open windows"
r[n++]="Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring"
r[n++]="Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones"
r[n++]="We could all take a lesson from the weather. . . . It pays no attention to criticism"
r[n++]="An apple a day keeps the doctor away but an onion a day keeps everyone away"
r[n++]="I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late"
r[n++]="No man's life, liberty or property are safe as long as the legislature is in session"
r[n++]="There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know"
r[n++]="Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps"
r[n++]="Why did they call it 'PMS'? . . . . because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken"
r[n++]="Of life's two certainties, taxes is the only one for which you can get an extension"
r[n++]="If you think there's good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody"
r[n++]="To make a small fortune in the stock market you need to start with a large fortune"
r[n++]="If it wasn't for the optimist, the pessimist would never know how happy he wasn't"
r[n++]="Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet"
r[n++]="A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer"
r[n++]="How can an undertaker raise his burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?"
r[n++]="Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation's coeds are in two pieces"
r[n++]="Inside this body there's a really skinny person screaming to get out . . . . . I ate him"
r[n++]="Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig"
r[n++]="You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you really have"
r[n++]="Theory of relativity: The more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes"
r[n++]="If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it"
r[n++]="There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about"
r[n++]="What's so hard about the game show Jeopardy? . . . .They give you all the answers"
r[n++]="I'm grateful that I'm not as judgmental as all those self-righteous people around me"
r[n++]="You know you're getting old when you can get your annual dental check-up by mail"
r[n++]="It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt"
r[n++]="What some people mistake for the high cost of living, is really the cost of living high"
r[n++]="Some people proclaim, �Make love, not war� . . . . Why not get married and do both?"
r[n++]="If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"
r[n++]="If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all"
r[n++]="The surest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket"
r[n++]="Good judgement comes from experience - - - Experience comes from bad judgement"
r[n++]="When men watch TV they don't care what's on . . . they want to know what ELSE is on"
r[n++]="You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, in every war they kill you in a new way"
r[n++]="Those who beat their swords into plowshares will do the plowing for those who do not"
r[n++]="I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don�t know where to start"
r[n++]="The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action"
r[n++]="Where do vampires go to learn how to suck the blood from people? . . . . . . . Law school"
r[n++]="Vacation is something you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer"
r[n++]="Instead of getting married why not just find a woman you don't like and give her a house"
r[n++]="Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police"
r[n++]="Hospitality - The art of making your guests feel at home even though you wish they were"
r[n++]="How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed"
r[n++]="Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it"
r[n++]="Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle"
r[n++]="It has now been determined that red meat is good for you . . . . . . . green fuzzy meat is not"
r[n++]="Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. . . .they have never forgotten that"
r[n++]="Even if you�re on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there ----- Will Rogers"
r[n++]="If I write a book called 'How to Fail' and it doesn't sell does that mean that I'm a success?"
r[n++]="Due to deregulation the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut down until further notice"
r[n++]="It's a magical world, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy...let's go exploring! --- Calvin's last words,12/31/95"
r[n++]="Why is it that we spend the first half of our lives learning habits that shorten the other half?"
r[n++]="The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!'"
r[n++]="A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please - She replied, ' I don't know. I�ve never tried.'"
r[n++]="A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take her clothes off and then bill her for it"
r[n++]="Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together"
r[n++]="The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver"
r[n++]="Never argue with an idiot. They�ll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience"
r[n++]="Women and cats will do as they please . . .men and dogs should just relax and get used to it"
r[n++]="Women's faults are many, men have only two -- Everything they say and everything they do"
r[n++]="I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy"
r[n++]="You've reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you hope it isn't for you"
r[n++]="People don't quit playing because they grow old��They grow old because they quit playing"
r[n++]="Real programmers don't document . . . If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand"
r[n++]="I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia"
r[n++]="Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something"
r[n++]="Show me a man with his head held high and I'll show you a man having trouble with his bifocals"
r[n++]="You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun -- Al Capone"
r[n++]="Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating? So they don't have to hear the snoring"
r[n++]="Learn to accept the fact that in life some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue"
r[n++]="The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare"
r[n++]="Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the car"
r[n++]="I have a mind like a steel trap -- not used very often but extremely dangerous when it is being used"
r[n++]="The secret of life is honesty and fairness. If you can fake that, you've got it made -- Groucho Marx"
r[n++]="I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either"
r[n++]="The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was"
r[n++]="When I met my wife I knew she was �Miss Right� . . . I didn�t know that her first name was �Always�"
r[n++]="Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure, when he is really selling himself to it -- Benjamin Franklin"
r[n++]="Buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations. . . Why is my desk is called a workstation?"
r[n++]="Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?"
r[n++]="'I am' is the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I Do' is the longest sentence?"
r[n++]="Why is it that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?"
r[n++]="If a man, alone in the woods, says something and there isn't a woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"
r[n++]="Behind many a successful man is a woman . . . . . Behind the fall many successful men is another woman"
r[n++]="You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along"
r[n++]="Science is like sex�.Sometimes something useful comes out of it, but that�s not the reason we�re doing it"
r[n++]="You're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there"
r[n++]="Married men should forget all their mistakes . . . . there's no use in having two people who never forget them"
r[n++]="Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing been complaining?"
r[n++]="My wifes' mind is completely gone, little wonder, since she's been giving me a piece of it every day for 15 years"
r[n++]="'Their nature. . .is to argue and procrastinate, yet we persist in electing lawyers to Congress' -- Ben Franklin"
r[n++]="You're in bad shape when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around"
r[n++]="What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee? In prison you get free health care"
r[n++]="Politicians and diapers have one thing in common They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason."
r[n++]="These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere, and then wonder what I'm here after."
r[n++]="Having a woman president would save this country a lot of money for one thing, we�d only have to pay her half as much."
r[n++]="Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device? I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute."
r[n++]="Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
r[n++]="I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!"
r[n++]="Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."
r[n++]="Why do sick people have to walk to the back of the pharmacy for medicine but cigarettes can be purchased at the front of the store?"
r[n++]="In Hollywood the streets are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing"
r[n++]="Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on."
r[n++]="Schizophrenia beats being alone."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
r[n++]="You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today."
r[n++]="A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well."
r[n++]="Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?"
r[n++]="All true wisdom is found on T-shirts."
r[n++]="I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem."
r[n++]="I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
r[n++]="The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it."
r[n++]="If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already."
r[n++]="Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
r[n++]="Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat."
r[n++]="Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career."
r[n++]="Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough."
r[n++]="Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass."
r[n++]="It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
r[n++]="Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you."
r[n++]="A closed mouth gathers no foot."
r[n++]="When blondes have more fun do they know it?"
r[n++]="Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch."
r[n++]="Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible."
r[n++]="Jesus is coming! Look Busy."
r[n++]="My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!"
r[n++]="Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?"
r[n++]="Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it."
r[n++]="Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?"
r[n++]="Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!"
r[n++]="If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments."
r[n++]="Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!"
r[n++]="I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize."
r[n++]="Chastity is curable, if detected early."
r[n++]="Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."
r[n++]="Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned."
r[n++]="Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques."
r[n++]="Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."
r[n++]="Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back."
r[n++]="A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
r[n++]="I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
r[n++]="Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
r[n++]="A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
r[n++]="Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film."
r[n++]="There's no future in time travel."
r[n++]="Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives."
r[n++]="Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots."
r[n++]="A good pun is its own reword."
r[n++]="Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?"
r[n++]="Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"
r[n++]="For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."
r[n++]="A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
r[n++]="I said 'no' to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen."
r[n++]="Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
r[n++]="If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
r[n++]="Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
r[n++]="Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
r[n++]="Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"
r[n++]="Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
r[n++]="I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac."
r[n++]="The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
r[n++]="All generalizations are false, including this one."
r[n++]="I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
r[n++]="I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!"
r[n++]="The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."
r[n++]="I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination."
r[n++]="There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
r[n++]="If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"
r[n++]="Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply."
r[n++]="It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs."
r[n++]="Karaoke is Japanese for 'Tone Deaf'"
r[n++]="On the other hand, you have different fingers."
r[n++]="A day without radiation is a day without sunshine."
r[n++]="A day without sunshine is like night."
r[n++]="A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago."
r[n++]="Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day."
r[n++]="An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys"
r[n++]="As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia."
r[n++]="Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing"
r[n++]="Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people."
r[n++]="Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise."
r[n++]="Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events."
r[n++]="Clones are people two."
r[n++]="Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage."
r[n++]="Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!"
r[n++]="Do not put statements in the negative form."
r[n++]="Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?"
r[n++]="If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
r[n++]="Friction can be a drag sometimes."
r[n++]="He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!"
r[n++]="How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!"
r[n++]="Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got."
r[n++]="I bet you I could stop gambling."
r[n++]="I couldn't care less about apathy."
r[n++]="Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery."
r[n++]="I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one."
r[n++]="I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
r[n++]="I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure."
r[n++]="I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now."
r[n++]="If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."
r[n++]="Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest."
r[n++]="My parents were soooooo poor, they got married for the rice."
r[n++]="The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year."
r[n++]="Give 'til it hurts... then have your accountant calculate the write- off."
r[n++]="We were soooooo poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick the other kid's fingers."
r[n++]="Money can't buy everything... but then again neither can no money."
r[n++]="Money takes the sting out of being poor."
r[n++]="It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money."
r[n++]="We were sooooooo poor... we would eat beans for breakfast, water for lunch, then we'd swell up for dinner."
r[n++]="Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible."
r[n++]="1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."
r[n++]="2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again."
r[n++]="3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
r[n++]="4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?!'"
r[n++]="5. My Reality Check bounced."
r[n++]="6. He who has, so shall he who. - Old Norwegian Proverb"
r[n++]="7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car."
r[n++]="8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives."
r[n++]="9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance."
r[n++]="10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes."
r[n++]="11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter."
r[n++]="12. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving."
r[n++]="13. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?"
r[n++]="14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason."
r[n++]="15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first."
r[n++]="16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
r[n++]="17. Indecision is the key to flexibility."
r[n++]="18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is."
r[n++]="19. I don't get even, I get odder."
r[n++]="20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday."
r[n++]="21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays."
r[n++]="22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it."
r[n++]="23. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before."
r[n++]="24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours."
r[n++]="25. I am having an out of money experience."
r[n++]="26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good."
r[n++]="27. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths."
r[n++]="28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments."
r[n++]="29. A day without sunshine is like night."
r[n++]="30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."
r[n++]="31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws."
r[n++]="Are snakes afraid of other snakes?"
r[n++]="If you overdosed on decongestant tablets, would you turn into a pile of dust?"
r[n++]="Why don't ceramic cats come complete with synthetic hairballs?"
r[n++]="At an 'all-you-can-eat' restaurant, is there a penalty for eating less than you can?"
r[n++]="Why is it that most irons have a setting for 'permanent press' garments?"
r[n++]="Do hermits ever suffer from peer pressure?"
r[n++]="Why is it a 'garage door opener', since it opens and closes the door?"
r[n++]="If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?"
r[n++]="Could you be arrested for selling 'illegal-sized' paper?"
r[n++]="If you wear your heart on your sleeve, where do you display other bodily parts?"
r[n++]="And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?"
r[n++]="How would you ever know if a word was mis-spelled in the dictionary?"
r[n++]="If we know the speed of light, why hasn't anyone calculated the speed of dark?"
r[n++]="What's another word for 'thesaurus'?"
r[n++]="How come birds aren't tickled by feathers?"
r[n++]="Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?"
r[n++]="Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?"
r[n++]="How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?"
r[n++]="Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
r[n++]="You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
r[n++]="Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
r[n++]="Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow."
r[n++]="I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing."
r[n++]="I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it."
r[n++]="I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'"
r[n++]="He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'"
r[n++]="I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."
r[n++]="I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."
r[n++]="My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York."
r[n++]="I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
r[n++]="I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
r[n++]="I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice)"
r[n++]="If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
r[n++]="Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't."
r[n++]="Is it weird in here, or is it just me?"
r[n++]="A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'"
r[n++]="Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
r[n++]="I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
r[n++]="Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it."
r[n++]="I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'."
r[n++]="It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
r[n++]="Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
r[n++]="Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
r[n++]="You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
r[n++]="I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it."
r[n++]="Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity."
r[n++]="Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect."
r[n++]="I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the Deli. Sold 'em a 3 for 28 bucks."
r[n++]="Once I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep."
r[n++]="I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason."
r[n++]="I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
r[n++]="Why is the alphabet in that order?"
r[n++]="Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody's makin' a penny."
r[n++]="I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes."
r[n++]="I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a megaphone."
r[n++]="Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window and smile for a satellite picture."
r[n++]="For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
r[n++]="I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other museums."
r[n++]="Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone."
r[n++]="Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
r[n++]="I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place."
r[n++]="I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company."
r[n++]="Years ago, I used to work in an organic health food store in Seattle, Washington and a man walked in and asked 'If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?'"
r[n++]="Sometimes you can't hear me, because sometimes I am in parenthesis."
r[n++]="I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."
r[n++]="I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on, you put the headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day, now I can only stutter in Spanish."
r[n++]="I lost a button hole."
r[n++]="I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles."
r[n++]="I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal."
r[n++]="I like to leave messages before the beep."
r[n++]="I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile."
r[n++]="I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked 'Do you live around here often?'"
r[n++]="You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
r[n++]="I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5."
r[n++]="I finally went to the eye doctor and got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flipups."
r[n++]="I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil."
r[n++]="I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica."
r[n++]="I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph."
r[n++]="One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down."
r[n++]="I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back."
r[n++]="In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught."
r[n++]="I was walking my dog around the building...on the ledge."
r[n++]="I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him 'Stay'. He was really confused, I used to say, 'Come here, Stay', 'Come here, Stay'."
r[n++]="One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
r[n++]="When I was little, in my backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually."
r[n++]="One time the police stopped me for speeding and said 'Don't you know the speed limit is only 55 miles an hour?' I said, 'I know, but I wasn't going to be be out that long.'"
r[n++]="I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty."
r[n++]="I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
r[n++]="I like to fill my tub up with water, turn the shower on and pretend like I am in a submarine that has been hit."
r[n++]="I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it will be up all night."
r[n++]="When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
r[n++]="When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot."
r[n++]="Last time I went skiing I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that so I slept with my skis on. When my ride came for me at 5:30 he couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house and strapped my skis to the roof of the car and drove right to the mountain. Seventeen (17) miles later I woke up and had a bizarre dream I was ski diving horizontally."
r[n++]="I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone."
r[n++]="This morning I couldn't find my socks, so I called information."
r[n++]="I'm tired of calling up the movies and getting the message on what's playing so I bought the album."
r[n++]="I went to a place to eat that said 'Breakfast Anytime'. So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance."
r[n++]="I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark."
r[n++]="I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no canvas. I just think about it."
r[n++]="I went to a museum where all the paintings were done by children. All the paintings were up on refrigerators."
r[n++]="The ice-cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter."
r[n++]="I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'"
r[n++]="If you were in your vehicle traveling the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what would they do?"
r[n++]="For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running."
r[n++]="There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles."
r[n++]="I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest."
r[n++]="I wrote a song, but I don't know how to read music, so I don't know what it is."
r[n++]="When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant."
r[n++]="First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything."
r[n++]="A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash."
r[n++]="I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk through another dimension."
r[n++]="I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in time."
r[n++]="I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out. Now I can go 500 mph."
r[n++]="I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in. Now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving."
r[n++]="I like my dental hygnetist. I think she is very pretty. So when I go to have my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies."
r[n++]="I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world."
r[n++]="I have 2 rare photographs. One is Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
r[n++]="I was in a book store and saw a french looking girl. She was bi-illterate. She couldn't read in 2 languages."
r[n++]="I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes."
r[n++]="I like the Stones. I can't beleive they're still doing it afer all the years...Fred & Barney."
r[n++]="I drove cross-country with a friend and we split the driving. We switched every half mile."
r[n++]="I just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of milkmen."
r[n++]="Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them."
r[n++]="Last time I went camping I accidently borrowed a circus tent."
r[n++]="My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk."
r[n++]="A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants."
r[n++]="Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
r[n++]="The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."
r[n++]="You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."
r[n++]="Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
r[n++]="Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other."
r[n++]="When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves."
r[n++]="If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it."
r[n++]="There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office."
r[n++]="Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many."
r[n++]="Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong."
r[n++]="Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'"
r[n++]="Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour."
r[n++]="To err is human, to forgive is not company policy."
r[n++]="Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing."
r[n++]="Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail."
r[n++]="The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired."
r[n++]="There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over."
r[n++]="The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)."
r[n++]="If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it."
r[n++]="You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk."
r[n++]="People are always available for work in the past tense."
r[n++]="If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
r[n++]="At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying."
r[n++]="When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried."
r[n++]="You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like."
r[n++]="No one gets sick on Wednesdays."
r[n++]="When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'"
r[n++]="The longer the title, the less important the job."
r[n++]="Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives."
r[n++]="An 'acceptable' level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job."
r[n++]="Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse."
r[n++]="All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own."
r[n++]="Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure."
r[n++]="111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321"
r[n++]="The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds."
r[n++]="The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies."
r[n++]="The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado."
r[n++]="If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without"
r[n++]="being able to make change for a dollar."
r[n++]="No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl."
r[n++]="The first toilet ever seen on television was on 'Leave It To Beaver'."
r[n++]="The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan.'"
r[n++]="In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license."
r[n++]="It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs."
r[n++]="Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married."
r[n++]="Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars."
r[n++]="It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs."
r[n++]="Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands."
r[n++]="Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka."
r[n++]="The cigarette lighter was invented before the match."
r[n++]="In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined."
r[n++]="Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California."
r[n++]="Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can."
r[n++]="The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it."
r[n++]="The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night."
r[n++]="The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes."
r[n++]="A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear."
r[n++]="More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes."
r[n++]="The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with."
r[n++]="TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard."
r[n++]="If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction."
r[n++]="The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left."
r[n++]="A snail can sleep for 3 years."
r[n++]="American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class."
r[n++]="The electric chair was invented by a dentist."
r[n++]="The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns."
r[n++]="Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church."
r[n++]="The most common name in the world is Mohammed."
r[n++]="Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined."
r[n++]="The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE."
r[n++]="Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi"
r[n++]="Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!"
r[n++]="Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat"
r[n++]="Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing"
r[n++]="California: As Seen on TV"
r[n++]="Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother"
r[n++]="Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character"
r[n++]="Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water"
r[n++]="Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids"
r[n++]="Georgia: We Put the 'Fun' in Fundamentalist Extremism"
r[n++]="Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good"
r[n++]="Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the 'S'"
r[n++]="Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free"
r[n++]="Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn"
r[n++]="Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States"
r[n++]="Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names"
r[n++]="Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign"
r[n++]="Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster"
r[n++]="Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware"
r[n++]="Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)"
r[n++]="Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians"
r[n++]="Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"
r[n++]="Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State"
r[n++]="Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work"
r[n++]="Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else"
r[n++]="Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest"
r[n++]="Nevada: Whores and Poker!"
r[n++]="New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone"
r[n++]="New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!"
r[n++]="New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets"
r[n++]="New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney..."
r[n++]="North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable"
r[n++]="North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!"
r[n++]="Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan"
r[n++]="Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing"
r[n++]="Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner"
r[n++]="Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal"
r[n++]="Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island"
r[n++]="South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender"
r[n++]="South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota"
r[n++]="Tennessee: The Educashun State"
r[n++]="Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)"
r[n++]="Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus"
r[n++]="Vermont: Yep"
r[n++]="Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?"
r[n++]="Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!"
r[n++]="Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?"
r[n++]="West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!"
r[n++]="Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese"
r[n++]="Wyoming: Wynot?"
r[n++]="1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate."
r[n++]="2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind."
r[n++]="3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK."
r[n++]="4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it."
r[n++]="5. She thought a quarterback was a refund."
r[n++]="6. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you would get change back."
r[n++]="7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade."
r[n++]="8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics."
r[n++]="9. She tripped over a cordless phone."
r[n++]="10. At the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius."
r[n++]="11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes."
r[n++]="12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say."
r[n++]="13. She studied for a blood test and failed."
r[n++]="14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center."
r[n++]="15. She sold the car for gas money."
r[n++]="16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends."
r[n++]="17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved."
r[n++]="18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company."
r[n++]="19. When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home."
r[n++]="If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"
r[n++]="Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk"
r[n++]="You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!"
r[n++]="JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . .He Shoots.. He..Scores!"
r[n++]="You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT"
r[n++]="My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom"
r[n++]="I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
r[n++]="I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?"
r[n++]="Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
r[n++]="Out of my mind...Back in five minutes."
r[n++]="Where there's a will...I want to be in it."
r[n++]="It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
r[n++]="Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else."
r[n++]="If you�re like me, and I know I am..."
r[n++]="I used to think that the whole world was against me. But I�ve found that a few smaller countries are neutral."
r[n++]="I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut."
r[n++]="My sister (mother, exwife, whomever) is a great housekeeper. She�s been married and divorced four times and each time she�s kept the house."
r[n++]="I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, �If you get (this guy) to work for you, you�ll be lucky!�"
r[n++]="I applied to work with a local political campaign committee yesterday. They asked me if I lie, cheat, or steal. I told them, �No, but I�m willing to learn.�"
r[n++]="Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?"
r[n++]="Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?"
r[n++]="Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?"
r[n++]="Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?"
r[n++]="Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?"
r[n++]="Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?"
r[n++]="Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"
r[n++]="How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?"
r[n++]="If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?"
r[n++]="If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?"
r[n++]="If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?"
r[n++]="If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?"
r[n++]="If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?"
r[n++]="You know how most packages say 'Open here' ... What is the protocol if the package says, 'Open somewhere else'?"
r[n++]="Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up atm.?"
r[n++]="Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?"
r[n++]="Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?"
r[n++]="You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?"
r[n++]="Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?"
r[n++]="Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot."
r[n++]="All generalizations are false."
r[n++]="Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
r[n++]="I brake for no apparent reason."
r[n++]="Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control."
r[n++]="Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal."
r[n++]="We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"
r[n++]="He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
r[n++]="Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
r[n++]="It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
r[n++]="Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy."
r[n++]="Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
r[n++]="Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
r[n++]="I love cats... They taste just like chicken."
r[n++]="Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
r[n++]="The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
r[n++]="Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
r[n++]="Rehab is for quitters."
r[n++]="I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."
r[n++]="Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep."
r[n++]="All men are idiots, and I married their King."
r[n++]="Work is for people who don't know how to fish."
r[n++]="I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
r[n++]="Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
r[n++]="If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
r[n++]="When you do a good deed, get a receipt -- in case heaven is like the IRS."
r[n++]="Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
r[n++]="I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
r[n++]="Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it."
r[n++]="I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
r[n++]="Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW."
r[n++]="IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
r[n++]="Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
r[n++]="A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
r[n++]="Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot."
r[n++]="Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
r[n++]="Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
r[n++]="Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
r[n++]="A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station."
r[n++]="If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?"
r[n++]="Five out of four people have trouble with fractions."
r[n++]="How come you never hear about gruntled employees?"
r[n++]="If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, 'Quit while you're ahead'?"
r[n++]="Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
r[n++]="What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?"
r[n++]="Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans."
r[n++]="Some people seem to read the Bible a lot as they get older. Maybe they think they're cramming for their finals."
r[n++]="Mothers here feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. Do mothers in China use toothpicks?"
r[n++]="Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailcarriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?"
r[n++]="Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso."
r[n++]="How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?"
r[n++]="VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did some shopping."
r[n++]="If it's true that we're here to help others, what are the OTHERS here for?"
r[n++]="STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS."
r[n++]="You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
r[n++]="Clones are people two."
r[n++]="If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"
r[n++]="Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK."
r[n++]="No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning."
r[n++]="As I said before, I never repeat myself!"
r[n++]="If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."
r[n++]="Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?"
r[n++]="1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set."
r[n++]="2. A day without sunshine is like, night."
r[n++]="3. On the other hand, you have different fingers."
r[n++]="4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
r[n++]="5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
r[n++]="6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
r[n++]="7. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
r[n++]="8. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges."
r[n++]="9. Honk if you love peace and quiet."
r[n++]="10. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?"
r[n++]="11. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool."
r[n++]="12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
r[n++]="13. He who laughs last thinks slowest."
r[n++]="14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
r[n++]="15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"
r[n++]="16. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
r[n++]="17. I intend to live forever - so far so good."
r[n++]="18. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."
r[n++]="19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
r[n++]="20. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."
r[n++]="21. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way."
r[n++]="22. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have"
r[n++]="23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
r[n++]="24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
r[n++]="25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
r[n++]="26. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism."
r[n++]="27. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks"
r[n++]="28. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."
r[n++]="29. No one is listening until you make a mistake."
r[n++]="30. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view."
r[n++]="31. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it."
r[n++]="32. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread."
r[n++]="33. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it."
r[n++]="34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
r[n++]="35. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."
r[n++]="36. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
r[n++]="37. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
r[n++]="38. Two wrongs are only the beginning."
r[n++]="39. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
r[n++]="40. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up."
r[n++]="41. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
r[n++]="42. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines."
r[n++]="43. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!"
r[n++]="44. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow."
r[n++]="45. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!"
r[n++]="46. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments."
r[n++]="47. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand..."
r[n++]="48. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
r[n++]="49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you."
r[n++]="Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
r[n++]="This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
r[n++]="I started out with nothing & still have most of it left."
r[n++]="I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me."
r[n++]="If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
r[n++]="You! Off my planet!"
r[n++]="Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose."
r[n++]="I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes."
r[n++]="Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
r[n++]="And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?"
r[n++]="If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil."
r[n++]="See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil."
r[n++]="Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
r[n++]="Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
r[n++]="Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage."
r[n++]="You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."
r[n++]="Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."
r[n++]="I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?"
r[n++]="Benign.......................What you be after you be eight"
r[n++]="Artery........................The study of paintings"
r[n++]="Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria"
r[n++]="Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome"
r[n++]="Catscan......................Searching for Kitty"
r[n++]="Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her"
r[n++]="Colic...........................A sheep dog"
r[n++]="Coma..........................A punctuation mark"
r[n++]="D&C...........................Where Washington is"
r[n++]="Dilate..........................To live long"
r[n++]="Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll"
r[n++]="Enema........................Not a friend"
r[n++]="Fester.........................Quicker than someone else"
r[n++]="Fibula..........................A small lie"
r[n++]="Genital........................Non-Jewish person"
r[n++]="G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball"
r[n++]="Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on"
r[n++]="Impotent......................Distinguished, well known"
r[n++]="Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work"
r[n++]="Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane"
r[n++]="Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid"
r[n++]="Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates"
r[n++]="Node............................I knew it"
r[n++]="Outpatient....................A person who has fainted"
r[n++]="Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test"
r[n++]="Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis"
r[n++]="Post Operative..............A letter carrier"
r[n++]="Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery"
r[n++]="Rectum........................Damn near killed him"
r[n++]="Secretion.....................Hiding something"
r[n++]="Seizure........................Roman emperor"
r[n++]="Tablet..........................A small table"
r[n++]="Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport"
r[n++]="Tumor..........................More than one"
r[n++]="Urine...........................Opposite of you're out"
r[n++]="Varicose......................Near by/close by"
r[n++]="When I haul ass I have to make two trips."
r[n++]="When I dance, I make the band skip."
r[n++]="I was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave me 13 years to live."
r[n++]="My cereal bowl has a lifeguard."
r[n++]="My high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph."
r[n++]="I ran away as a child and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton."
r[n++]="When I get in an elevator, it HAS to go down."
r[n++]="I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth."
r[n++]="I�ve got smaller fat disc jockeys orbiting around me."
r[n++]="I could sell shade."
r[n++]="When I go to a restaurant, they don't give me a menu, they give me an estimate."
r[n++]="I have to put my belt on with a boomerang."
r[n++]="When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party."
var random_number = Math.floor(Math.random() * n);
document.write(r[random_number]);
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document.write('                                                                                   ');